Nine years ago when her father and I split up, I was sure I was making the right choice.  My daughter was only eighteen months-old and I thought she would grow up thinking this was “normal.”  I was twenty three and confident that I could do anything, including raising a child by myself.

Nine years later, here I am still going at it.  I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs, but I have never gone back to the relationship that changed my life forever.  The relationship that took so much from me, but that gave me a daughter.  The relationship that has taken me years to recover from, is far behind.  Her father, though, is not.  She goes with him every other weekend.  This has been the way for nine years.

So imagine my surprise when she asked me why we couldn’t just get back together?

It wasn’t the first time the question had come up, but this time I knew she meant it.  I could see it in her big brown eyes, that had swelled up with tears.  For the first time I realized I had been lying to myself all these years thinking that she had accepted our life as “normal.”  At that moment, while the pasta boiled over(we were makong dinner together) it all hit me like a ton bricks.  All these years that I’ve been struggling to survive, to give her a sense of security and stability, came crashing down, exposing what I had been hiding.

I too was sad that her dad and I had not been able to make it work.  I too wanted to know why we couldn’t just get back together.  At that moment I too was just a little girl that just didn’t understand why.

I put my arms around her and held her real tight and we both wept a little.  Not because we didn’t really know why, I think she really understands that it doesn’t work between her dad and I.  She has seen the fights.  She has heard the yelling.  But we both grieved that this was the reality, and that it is unfair and that it makes no sense.

The moment passed, we had dinner as usual and everything was fine.  But the pain of that old relationship that I thought had passed, was re-opened.

I didn’t choose to be a single mom, at least not at the beginning.  I was an idealistic 21 year-old, with absolutely no real life experience when I gave birth to my daughter.  I honestly believed that her father and I would have more babies and grow old together.  But that’s no the way it turned out.  And when I chose to leave him it was because I had to.

I’ve never regretted my decision to leave her father.  I know this was the right thing for all of us.  Having to grow up so quickly was not easy for me.  Even now, when my phone has been turned off for weeks, and my rent is late, again, I know that at least I have my peace.  And that my daughter can grow up in an environment of love.  She doesn’t get all the material things that make life “fun,” but she is never lacking attention, love or affection.

And after all, isn’t that what really matters?

That’s me!  I am probably one of the messiest people I know.  It’s not like I was brought up this way, my father is a neat freak and my mother has always been a fairly organized lady.  So why is it that I find it so difficult to clean up after myself and my ten year-old daughter?  You would think that after nine years of being on my own I would’ve figure it out, but alas, I am a total slob.  My apartment looks like a college dormitory with books scattered all over the place, clothes hanging from my painting easel, shoes in every door way, it’s not a pretty sight.  But I do try once a week to get it together, only to see it all unravel again by Tuesday.  When I lived with my child’s father I was expected to run a tight ship, he was very much like my father, a neat freak to the T.

I’ve wondered many times if this isn’t my way of rebelling against both him and my father.  My father used to tell me when I was growing up that I lacked discipline.  Honestly, I think I just found chores to be boring.  I was a normal child who wanted to play outside, not have to wash the dishes and clean my room.

But this whole concept of discipline really bummed me out.  As an adult I find myself feeling guilt-ridden by my lack of it.  I lay awake at night thinking about how I could improve in this department.  I told my therapist about this recently and she gave my some advice: she said forget the word discipline, and do what you need to do because it will make your life better.

Could it be that easy?  Could I undo thirty years of bad habits with this new mantra?  That’s doubtful.  So I went online looking for advice from other moms.  I found this great article with some pointers.

Make your meals for the week on the weekend…

Lay out their clothes ahead of time—I would plan out what they were going to wear for the week….

Prioritize or re-prioritize—What’s more important to your children—putting all the toys away in their proper place or having a tea party with them?

I know, seems real simple right?  But my favorite piece of advice:

Cut yourself a break—guilt doesn’t help anyone. You can’t do everything perfectly and remember that no one can no matter what her circumstances.

What a trip this whole election has been! I am glad that it’s over and that the new President of the United States is Barack Obama. Of course, I am going to miss ragging on Sarah Palin, but it’s all worth it.

On Election night I kept my Hunnybunny up so that she could watch President Obama give one of the most inspiring speeches given by anyone in recent history.  Basically, that’s what we all witnessed on November 4th, history in the making.  But I wanted her to experience the excitement of politics, the passion that one can feel when your ideals are on the line.

Coming from a politically active family in Central America, I understand the importance of having not only an interest, but a passion for what is happening in the world and in our government.  I have seen my family members killed for what they believed in, and I have witnessed first-hand the start of a revolution.

In the last eight years our government seemed to encourage an apathy and a cynicism in the people of this country, making it unpatriotic to criticise and question the actions and motives of our leaders, we were encouraged to follow blindly.  As citizens of this country, everyone should feel it is their moral obligation to vote.

I am very proud that my Hunnybunny gets to live in this time.  I want her to grow up with a sense of responsibility to her country. Her responsibility is to always be conscious of what is going on in the world and to employ critical thinking when it comes to government, and to participate in the election process, because like this election proved, each vote matters.

It’s not easy being socially conscious when there are a million things to do, but if we don’t encourage our kids to be aware and to participate we will be responsible for raising a generation of sheep- mindless followers.  Don’t forget, these kids are the future.  What do we want that future to look like?

One of the most difficult decisions a single mother makes is whether or not she will re-marry.  For some, like myself, re-marrying isn’t even in the horizon, since I’m still debating whether or not I want to start dating.  Ever since my split with my daughter’s father nine years ago, I have been pondering if it’s the right time to start dating yet. I have many friends who are also single mothers who don’t give this question much thought- they just put themselves out there and have fun.  Why is this so hard for some women to do? I have my theories, but they are entirely based on my own personal experiences being a single parent.

One of the things I have observed in some single moms, myself included, is that after a while, you simply stop thinking about it. For the first five years of being a single mom the idea of dating didn’t even cross my mind.  I was so busy trying to survive and trying to get ahead in life that men simply became invisible.  Or maybe I made myself invisible to men.  I don’t know which happened first, but after about five years of hard work and no play, I started feeling a slight pang of loneliness.  I started to wonder if I’d be better off finding a partner who could help me shoulder the burden of being a parent and provider.  So I decided to start socializing more.  I took up invitations from friends to go to parties and shows, and just let myself be seen.  Being a young woman of twenty-eight who is independent, articulate, and interesting, I figured I would have no problems attracting potential partners. Unfortunately, the results were disappointing.

Sometimes I just want to blame it on geography, I live in a city that is notorious for being unfriendly to the single person, with or without child.  This is a city with less families and children per capita than other cities in the states.  But I know that isn’t entirely the reason for my disappointment.

For the last four years since I decided I no longer wanted to be alone, I have been approached by all types of men.  There have been men who think that dating a single mom will guarantee them easy sex with no strings attached.  There have been men who the second they find out you have a kid turn and run away as fast as possible.  Then there are the unavailable men who would be totally perfect, if it weren’t for them being unavailable (ie married, workaholics, alcoholics, etc) And there are guys who are just straight up creepy, you would never trust them around your children. I’m exaggerating a bit, of course. There have been one or two with the potential to get a date with me.

I know, you’re probably saying I’m over-generalizing, judging, and probably meeting men in all the wrong places, but I think the problem is something deeper.  I think the problem is me.  You see, ever since I split up with my kid’s dad I have scrutinized every man that I come into contact with.  Men are no longer just men, a companion or someone to have fun with.  They are potential abusers, cheaters, liars, and every other imaginable bad thing. I find that I have become so protective(paranoid) of my little family that letting someone in requires a legthy process.  I find myself dissecting every man I meet, looking for faults and imperfections.  And of course finding them.

And I wonder why I am still single.

I want to say that I applaud women who are able to open themselves up to the possibility of a new relationship after a divorce or break-up with their child’s father.  It takes a great deal of courage and faith in one’s self to give love another chance, especially if the previous relationship was traumatic. It also takes having a good self-esteem.  Which many of us, single moms lose after a split.  You start to second-guess yourself and wonder: What is wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I make it work before?  How can I trust that I won’t make the same mistake? Unfortunately, many of us put the blame on ourself, even when we know, it takes two.

So, as to the question posed by Single Mom Seeking, about getting re-married…Who knows?  It’s clear that a woman must allow herself to heal before she can move on.  For some the healing process is faster than others.  Should one give up on the possibility?  I don’t think so.  A healthy, supportive, loving, generous man can do wonders for your life.  I’ve always believed that a solid realtionship can sweeten even the most bitter situations that life throws at you.  You just have to be ready for it.

“Women voting for McCain is like chickens voting for Colonel Sanders.”     -Cecile Richards

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our problems and hectic lives that we forget sometimes about a world outside of our own, at least for me that’s the case.  I get so involved in my craziness; stressing about my kid, how I’m going to make ends meet this month, what am I going to make for dinner, when am I going to finish the mountain of laundry?  In short, the list is endless.

So, I was looking at other mother’s websites looking for a few words of inspiration, something to give me perspective or grounding, what I found brought me to tears and has inspired me to really feel and see beyond my four walls.

Life is a struggle for all of us, it comes with the territory when we are born into this world.  And to be a mother, whether single or married, is both a privilege and a burden, but that doesn’t stop one blogger mom from kicking ass and taking names.

Her name is Rocky and she has a blog called Muthahood Ain’t For Sissies.  The name says it all.  Rocky is also the founder of Mothers Fighting for Others.  Like I said, after visiting the MFFO site I realized that my everyday struggles with being a single mother are nothing compared to the struggles that girls in Africa face on a daily basis.  To stay alive, is a struggle.

I recommend visiting this site, it will inspire you, it will bring you to tears.  But more than anything I hope it will motivate you to reach out and give, not just to this amazing organization, but to your community as well.

I feel in my heart that we, mothers, are going to be the ones that make a difference in the world.  Because there is no love like the love a mother gives, to her children, to her family, to her community, to the world at large. Thanks Rocky, for the inspiration!

“There is a special place in Hell for women who don’t support other women”  -Sarah Palin

There are so many things wrong with Sarah Palin making this statement, primarily that it is a misquote of Madeleine Albright’s quote:  “There is a special place in Hell for women who don’t help other women.” But mostly that it came out of Sarah Palin’s mouth as a way to get women to vote for her, or else…what, we’ll burn in hell?

See the difference?  Nice try anyway, Sarah.

Sarah Palin thinks that American women are dumb. Her attempt at connecting with female voters was pathetic at best, and if we’re going to talk about reservations in Hell, well, let’s just say she has secured her spot somewhere in the ninth ring.

Sarah Palin is not good for women. It’s that simple.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see a woman rise to the position which she has just been handed, on a silver platter no less, but just because she is a woman doesn’t make her the right woman.

Just because she has a uterus and five off-spring doesn’t qualify her for my vote. This is where the Republicans and John McCain shot themselves in the big political foot.  By assuming that if they propped up a woman like Palin, so-called average, hockey-mom, that we, women, would somehow follow blindly.  Here’s the problem with that logic:  Not all women are average Joe Six-Pack-types, with hand-fulls of children, and conservative views.

Some would dismiss my opinions as envy, since Sarah Palin seemingly has it all and then some, but I am not alone.  Let’s set aside her views for a moment and look at the situation.  What would qualify her as Vice-President?  It certainly isn’t her intelligence as she has proven time and again; she is nothing but a mouth-piece for the conservative right which is consistently anti-woman.  Her political views are whatever John McCain tells her they ought to be, and even then she can’t seem to get it right.

But politics aside, on a personal level, Sarah Palin is offensive to the female gender. This is not a woman I see as an ally or an advocate for change.  Sarah Palin is not interested in women like us, single mothers who struggle with the day to day things. She wants to pander to us with her extreme religious views that oppress women and keep them in perpetual poverty.

Why would I say that, you ask.  Let’s just take her stand on female fertility. Sarah Palin doesn’t believe a woman should have the right to choose…anything.  She is against teaching sex ed in the schools which would help prevent unwanted teen pregnancy, she against giving a woman a choice, and she doesn’t support programs which would help a woman in need, with children, to try to make a better life for herself and her family.

It is common knowledge that Conservatives with their obsession with family values, vilify the single mother as the cause of the disintegration of the traditional nuclear family, and as a drain to the economy, as so many of us are dependant on government programs, right?  So the vicious cycle continues.

Sarah Palin is the worst kind of woman there is. She is a misogynist.  She does not want to help women.  She is a charicature of a working mom, with cartoonish ideas of what feminism means (Sarah,it doesn’t mean you have to think and act like a man), and will use her femeninity when it suits her, or when it suits the party she serves.

I want to see a woman in the White House as much as ny other struggling mom who feels misrepresented, but if we elect Sarah Palin, we won’t just be misrepresented, we might see ourselves loosing some of the basic rights we need: a right to healthy bodies and healthy lives.

Sarah Palin does not want to help you. Dont’ forget that this November 4th.

One of the hardest things to do when you’re a single mother is maintaining your sanity.  What it typically takes two people to do is now the burden of one, and unless you are very lucky to be blessed with a high income or a supportive family, surviving single motherhood can be a challenge.  We need to be able to provide for our children financially, emotionally, and in countless other ways.  It can be very overwhelming to a new single mom, especially a young mom who might not be comlpetely prepared (in reality, is anyone really prepared? Even moms to chose to go solo from the get-go will admit that they weren’t fully prepared for the psychological impact rearing a child alone can have).

So where does one turn for some wisdom?  The internet is full of so many resources and we hope to bea able to bring some of that to you.  I found this article recently in a website called For All Women Everywhere, it is an excellent primer for somebody seeking a place to begin.  Even if you’ve been a single mother for a long time, like myself (a vet of nine years), this article appropriately named the Single Mom’s Survival Guide, is very helpful.

The author Lori Tharps breifly covers everything from finances, child-care, child-support, emotional support, dating, etc.  We’ll be covering all these topics in this blog as it grows, but for now we hope you find this helpful, we did.

Let’s start this thing with an important topic: the elections.  It’s not always easy to keep up with what’s going on in the elections, especially when one is a single mother.  But we are at a critical time in history when women’s vote can sway the election.  Go to the Women’s Voices Women’s Vote website and get the scoop on the candidates.  It’s time to get informed and get out and vote this November.

“Single mothers use the badge of self pity to project a false sense of guilt on society. Wounded and harmed by a cruel man or abandoned by a heartless community, has become a status symbol.”

-posted by Sartre, on ifeminist.com, February 8, 2006

Welcome to Single Mother Talk, I hope the above quote has pissed you off. Unfortunately, this is kind of hatred being spewed about singlemothers.  We are the scourge of the Earth according to some, and the propagators of “disturbed offspring.”

“Just who is the real victim? In today’s sanitized culture, often a victim is anyone who declares an excuse for not taking responsibility for their own offensive behavior. Who fits this definition more precisely than the self indulged female that trots around her fatherless child as a casualty of forsaken love.”

This article was my inspiration for writing this blog.  I want to encourage single-mothers to engage in the discussion about what it means to raise a child in this social climate we’re in.  Let’s share our ideas, our stories, our experiences, and show the world that we are strong independent women, and we have a voice.  We are not victims, we are the mothers of a future generation of compassionate, open-minded individuals.  We are not alone.  Together, we can bring about change!  Together, we can start a revolution!