Single Mother Talk

Whenever I come across an article like this I immediately get defensive, maybe it’s my guilty conscience, or maybe it’s that it spells out the obvious without offering any solution.

Sociologist Suzanne Bianchi of the University of Maryland is co-author of the study, which found that single mothers – most of whom do not have a post-secondary education – spent less quality time than do those who are married. Quality time was defined as activities beyond core care such as feeding and bathing.

Bianchi said in an interview yesterday that the primary factor was the “never married” mother was likely to work long hours at a low-wage job, because she was less likely to be college-educated or have any economic support from a partner.

At the same time, mothers with college diplomas, whether they were married or single, were able to secure better-paid jobs with working conditions commensurate with raising young children, Bianchi said.

“If they have higher educations, they can command more dollars.”

Well, duh!!  How many sociologists does it take to figure out that life is hard for most single mothers?

The study, under doctoral student Sarah Kendig, the principal researcher, is reported in the December Journal of Marriage and the Family. It analyzed time-use diaries of more than 6,000 mothers, based on data from the American Time Use Survey between 2003 and 2004.

After eight years of trying to promote marriage as a way to resolve child poverty, Bianchi said the U.S. should refocus its energies on education as the key to economic security for mothers and children.

This shift would also provide the benefit of better parenting.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all get college degrees?  This must’ve been an easy A for the sociologists.  I’m not trying to put them down, I just don’t get it.  This is not rocket science, single mothers have it rough.  Single mother families have been on the rise for decades, They act as though they’ve never met a single mother, or father for that matter.  How much research could it possibly take to realize that when you work all the time for little money, your energy is spent?  I don’t think that promoting marriage as a way to combat poverty is exactly the way to go.  Especially when many single moms start out with the intention to do so anyway.

Single moms may be spending “less quality time” with our kids, but what time we do spend with them is precious.  I speak for myself and for many of my friends who are in the same boat.  You do what you can, and until this culture starts to recognize the importance a mother’s role plays in society, as a  whole, single mothers are always going to have it rough.

The women conducting the study could’ve approached some of the more complex issues related to the plight of the single mom.  They could’ve used their higher education to explore different ways of improving the conditions for single mothers in todays world.  But instead they spent their energy on a condecending,  no-brainer “study.”

I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving day with their families and loved ones.  I had a very quiet Thanksgiving Day, like one I’ve never had before.

I was unable to attend dinner at my familiy’s because I was at home very sick with a bad cold.  For the first time this year I didn’t have to argue or fight with my daughter’s dad about who she was going to spend the holiday weekend with.  It was a no-brainer….with him.

It wasn’t that bad being alone, I did miss the food but luckily my parents live close enough that they were able to put together some leftovers for me and bring them by.

For me, I guess the reason I sometimes dread this time of year is because it brings up the complications of having to split our time with our child.  It’s a time when we get greedy about her, or at least I do.  This time of brings out the bitterness of having had split up, it brings out the fight in me, the feeling of entitlement about her.

But, either he’s growing up, or maybe, possibly I am, this year I gave in without a fight.  I let him take her with him for the weekend so I could get better.  There were no fights, no ugly words, no scene.  Just quiet politeness.  For that, I am grateful.

Nine years ago when her father and I split up, I was sure I was making the right choice.  My daughter was only eighteen months-old and I thought she would grow up thinking this was “normal.”  I was twenty three and confident that I could do anything, including raising a child by myself.

Nine years later, here I am still going at it.  I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs, but I have never gone back to the relationship that changed my life forever.  The relationship that took so much from me, but that gave me a daughter.  The relationship that has taken me years to recover from, is far behind.  Her father, though, is not.  She goes with him every other weekend.  This has been the way for nine years.

So imagine my surprise when she asked me why we couldn’t just get back together?

It wasn’t the first time the question had come up, but this time I knew she meant it.  I could see it in her big brown eyes, that had swelled up with tears.  For the first time I realized I had been lying to myself all these years thinking that she had accepted our life as “normal.”  At that moment, while the pasta boiled over(we were makong dinner together) it all hit me like a ton bricks.  All these years that I’ve been struggling to survive, to give her a sense of security and stability, came crashing down, exposing what I had been hiding.

I too was sad that her dad and I had not been able to make it work.  I too wanted to know why we couldn’t just get back together.  At that moment I too was just a little girl that just didn’t understand why.

I put my arms around her and held her real tight and we both wept a little.  Not because we didn’t really know why, I think she really understands that it doesn’t work between her dad and I.  She has seen the fights.  She has heard the yelling.  But we both grieved that this was the reality, and that it is unfair and that it makes no sense.

The moment passed, we had dinner as usual and everything was fine.  But the pain of that old relationship that I thought had passed, was re-opened.

I didn’t choose to be a single mom, at least not at the beginning.  I was an idealistic 21 year-old, with absolutely no real life experience when I gave birth to my daughter.  I honestly believed that her father and I would have more babies and grow old together.  But that’s no the way it turned out.  And when I chose to leave him it was because I had to.

I’ve never regretted my decision to leave her father.  I know this was the right thing for all of us.  Having to grow up so quickly was not easy for me.  Even now, when my phone has been turned off for weeks, and my rent is late, again, I know that at least I have my peace.  And that my daughter can grow up in an environment of love.  She doesn’t get all the material things that make life “fun,” but she is never lacking attention, love or affection.

And after all, isn’t that what really matters?

That’s me!  I am probably one of the messiest people I know.  It’s not like I was brought up this way, my father is a neat freak and my mother has always been a fairly organized lady.  So why is it that I find it so difficult to clean up after myself and my ten year-old daughter?  You would think that after nine years of being on my own I would’ve figure it out, but alas, I am a total slob.  My apartment looks like a college dormitory with books scattered all over the place, clothes hanging from my painting easel, shoes in every door way, it’s not a pretty sight.  But I do try once a week to get it together, only to see it all unravel again by Tuesday.  When I lived with my child’s father I was expected to run a tight ship, he was very much like my father, a neat freak to the T.

I’ve wondered many times if this isn’t my way of rebelling against both him and my father.  My father used to tell me when I was growing up that I lacked discipline.  Honestly, I think I just found chores to be boring.  I was a normal child who wanted to play outside, not have to wash the dishes and clean my room.

But this whole concept of discipline really bummed me out.  As an adult I find myself feeling guilt-ridden by my lack of it.  I lay awake at night thinking about how I could improve in this department.  I told my therapist about this recently and she gave my some advice: she said forget the word discipline, and do what you need to do because it will make your life better.

Could it be that easy?  Could I undo thirty years of bad habits with this new mantra?  That’s doubtful.  So I went online looking for advice from other moms.  I found this great article with some pointers.

Make your meals for the week on the weekend…

Lay out their clothes ahead of time—I would plan out what they were going to wear for the week….

Prioritize or re-prioritize—What’s more important to your children—putting all the toys away in their proper place or having a tea party with them?

I know, seems real simple right?  But my favorite piece of advice:

Cut yourself a break—guilt doesn’t help anyone. You can’t do everything perfectly and remember that no one can no matter what her circumstances.