One of the most difficult decisions a single mother makes is whether or not she will re-marry.  For some, like myself, re-marrying isn't even in the horizon, since I'm still debating whether or not I want to start dating.  Ever since my split with my daughter's father nine years ago, I have been pondering if it's the right time to start dating yet. I have many friends who are also single mothers who don't give this question much thought- they just put themselves out there and have fun.  Why is this so hard for some women to do? I have my theories, but they are entirely based on my own personal experiences being a single parent.

One of the things I have observed in some single moms, myself included, is that after a while, you simply stop thinking about it. For the first five years of being a single mom the idea of dating didn't even cross my mind.  I was so busy trying to survive and trying to get ahead in life that men simply became invisible.  Or maybe I made myself invisible to men.  I don't know which happened first, but after about five years of hard work and no play, I started feeling a slight pang of loneliness.  I started to wonder if I'd be better off finding a partner who could help me shoulder the burden of being a parent and provider.  So I decided to start socializing more.  I took up invitations from friends to go to parties and shows, and just let myself be seen.  Being a young woman of twenty-eight who is independent, articulate, and interesting, I figured I would have no problems attracting potential partners. Unfortunately, the results were disappointing.

Sometimes I just want to blame it on geography, I live in a city that is notorious for being unfriendly to the single person, with or without child.  This is a city with less families and children per capita than other cities in the states.  But I know that isn't entirely the reason for my disappointment.

For the last four years since I decided I no longer wanted to be alone, I have been approached by all types of men.  There have been men who think that dating a single mom will guarantee them easy sex with no strings attached.  There have been men who the second they find out you have a kid turn and run away as fast as possible.  Then there are the unavailable men who would be totally perfect, if it weren't for them being unavailable (ie married, workaholics, alcoholics, etc) And there are guys who are just straight up creepy, you would never trust them around your children. I'm exaggerating a bit, of course. There have been one or two with the potential to get a date with me.

I know, you're probably saying I'm over-generalizing, judging, and probably meeting men in all the wrong places, but I think the problem is something deeper.  I think the problem is me.  You see, ever since I split up with my kid's dad I have scrutinized every man that I come into contact with.  Men are no longer just men, a companion or someone to have fun with.  They are potential abusers, cheaters, liars, and every other imaginable bad thing. I find that I have become so protective(paranoid) of my little family that letting someone in requires a legthy process.  I find myself dissecting every man I meet, looking for faults and imperfections.  And of course finding them.

And I wonder why I am still single.

I want to say that I applaud women who are able to open themselves up to the possibility of a new relationship after a divorce or break-up with their child's father.  It takes a great deal of courage and faith in one's self to give love another chance, especially if the previous relationship was traumatic. It also takes having a good self-esteem.  Which many of us, single moms lose after a split.  You start to second-guess yourself and wonder: What is wrong with me?  Why couldn't I make it work before?  How can I trust that I won't make the same mistake? Unfortunately, many of us put the blame on ourself, even when we know, it takes two.

So, as to the question posed by Single Mom Seeking, about getting re-married...Who knows?  It's clear that a woman must allow herself to heal before she can move on.  For some the healing process is faster than others.  Should one give up on the possibility?  I don't think so.  A healthy, supportive, loving, generous man can do wonders for your life.  I've always believed that a solid realtionship can sweeten even the most bitter situations that life throws at you.  You just have to be ready for it.