Nine years ago when her father and I split up, I was sure I was making the right choice. My daughter was only eighteen months-old and I thought she would grow up thinking this was "normal." I was twenty three and confident that I could do anything, including raising a child by myself.
Nine years later, here I am still going at it. I've had my ups and I've had my downs, but I have never gone back to the relationship that changed my life forever. The relationship that took so much from me, but that gave me a daughter. The relationship that has taken me years to recover from, is far behind. Her father, though, is not. She goes with him every other weekend. This has been the way for nine years.
So imagine my surprise when she asked me why we couldn't just get back together?
It wasn't the first time the question had come up, but this time I knew she meant it. I could see it in her big brown eyes, that had swelled up with tears. For the first time I realized I had been lying to myself all these years thinking that she had accepted our life as "normal." At that moment, while the pasta boiled over(we were makong dinner together) it all hit me like a ton bricks. All these years that I've been struggling to survive, to give her a sense of security and stability, came crashing down, exposing what I had been hiding.
I too was sad that her dad and I had not been able to make it work. I too wanted to know why we couldn't just get back together. At that moment I too was just a little girl that just didn't understand why.
I put my arms around her and held her real tight and we both wept a little. Not because we didn't really know why, I think she really understands that it doesn't work between her dad and I. She has seen the fights. She has heard the yelling. But we both grieved that this was the reality, and that it is unfair and that it makes no sense.
The moment passed, we had dinner as usual and everything was fine. But the pain of that old relationship that I thought had passed, was re-opened.
I didn't choose to be a single mom, at least not at the beginning. I was an idealistic 21 year-old, with absolutely no real life experience when I gave birth to my daughter. I honestly believed that her father and I would have more babies and grow old together. But that's no the way it turned out. And when I chose to leave him it was because I had to.
I've never regretted my decision to leave her father. I know this was the right thing for all of us. Having to grow up so quickly was not easy for me. Even now, when my phone has been turned off for weeks, and my rent is late, again, I know that at least I have my peace. And that my daughter can grow up in an environment of love. She doesn't get all the material things that make life "fun," but she is never lacking attention, love or affection.
And after all, isn't that what really matters?
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